Femme Lesbians Need Love Too

Being in the military as gay woman, I’m guessing most of you are picturing a butch, stocky, short-haired woman who doesn’t shave her armpits and is handy with a wrench. Well, lets nip that theory in the bud. I am 5’ 10”; have plenty of hair (but not in my pits); and I do not know shit about cars…or softball for that matter. NO not golf either! Jeez, guys you are killing me. Come to think of it, why do lesbians like golf? Maybe because the goal is to get something into a tiny hole?   But back to the point- I do wear makeup when I feel like it, and I am a big fan of dresses.

Although I do hate stereotypes, they are stereotypes for a reason and, yes, they do often hold true in the military. I can spot a lesbo from a mile away…the problem is they can’t spot me. Of course, with the repeal of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” (DADT) not being active yet, its not as if I can jump up and down, waving my arms and scream “OVER HERE! IM GAYYYYY! I LIKE THE VAJAY JAY!!! I NEED TO GET LAID!” Unfortunately, I have to be a lot more subtle. I suppose I could cut off my hair and wear some baggie jeans but I just refuse to do that.  Not that the look can’t be pulled off by many women (and very well might I add); it’s just that it’s not my style.

For those of you in the same situation I have come up with a few techniques that might turn your luck around.

1.)    The Subtle Taco Technique: walk around eating tacos with lettuce and cheese only, and when your dream girl asks you why you are eating your tacos with no beef on them, reply “I love tacos. I don’t eat meat.” Not only will you drop a “subtle” hint, you will be drawing attention to your lips by eating those tacos.

2.)     The Subtle Arts & Crafts Technique: If you and your dream girl have mutual friends but she STILL doesn’t know your queer, bring some scrapbooking to a casual gathering. Say you are doing it for a “present” so you don’t seem too geeky. As you are cutting out pictures, casually say, “I just love scissoring, I could do it all day.”

3.)    The Plan B Technique: If you have tried dropping all the “subtle hints”  you possibly can- and your dream girl is still totally clueless, I have come up with the “Plan B Technique”. Put yourself in a position where you are close to her, when she looks at you, make yourself trip a little and then kiss her. When she looks at you like you’re totally crazy (which she probably will) sensually say, “Sorry I fell, and your lips were the only soft place to land.” Bat your eyelash, cross your fingers, and hope the cheesy pick up line takes the attention off the creepiness. 

Remember ladies, with the right amount of confidence, a rockin look, and enough desperate lesbians you can pull it off! Best of luck, my straight-looking lesbo friends!

                                                                                                                                -Dakota-